The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline. -Proverbs 1:7

Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost you all you have, get understanding.-Proverbs 4:7

Saturday, June 30, 2012

FUSE Camp Day #5

Pastor Clark's pond...a pond which resembles more of a waterpark than the pond I had envisioned.

 SINK IT!!!!

 (If you missed the service last night...carry on.  You won't get the reference.)

Debating whether or not I should tell about this next part...  Mostly, because I feel like I need time to process.  But, that's what I said last year and then by the time I had processed it, it was August or something.  I might regret it, but here goes:


The signs that we use to advertise camp promise "The best week of your life."  The signs don't lie.  However, how can one have the best week of one's life when one just had the best week of one's life last year? 

I had the best week of my life last year and in my mind there was no way that could ever be topped in whatever remaining lifetime I have.  Truthfully, I wasn't even going to go.  Because I was angry and annoyed and not in a good place.  Hadn't been in a good place in a long time.  A very long time...a year.   And whenever I would think about it, that place just got darker.  So I tried not to think about it.  Which is always totally healthy and effective (sarcasm). 

How did I get in that place?  Most of this year, I was just inexplicably angry/bitter/insert any other negative feeling you want here and I didn't exactly know why.  I rationalized it out with all kinds of supporting details, because almost everything has associated negative aspects, and some places/groups/people have enough it's easy to choose what you want to fit the situation.

Last year, during the (what just became the second) best week of my life, I was supposed to do something.  That something required another person.  It was scheduled to happen, but then didn't due to time constraints.  And I was not o.k. with that.  I couldn't wrap my mind around how it didn't happen.  Because I was told to do it and it was supposed to happen.  If you know me well, you know what I'm talking about.  If not, no worries.  Just keep reading.

As the year progressed, I became more miserable.  I refused to admit it.  First, because I couldn't figure out exactly what was going on.  Second, because it wasn't my issue.  It was the fault of someone else that I didn't do what I was supposed to do.  Someone who should have understood the magnitude of what not doing what I needed done caused.  And I figured they didn't really care about that.

It got in between me and God.  It became so loud I could not hear.  It became so associated with God I couldn't think about one without the other and therefore the only option was to just avoid it all.  Because any other option made me twitchy.

And then I was lonely.  Ridiculously lonely.  I don't ever remember being lonely in my life.  Ever.  I have always had interests and hobbies and have never been the kind of person who needed other people to entertain me.  Loneliness was a new thing.  I suspect, since it was the absence of God, it was "loneliness exponential".  So I was angry and lonely.  By Monday of this week, I had reached "unbearable". 

Monday is when FUSE started.  I went despite insisting I wasn't going to.  I was in a foul mood.  Was probably pretty off-putting to anyone in my path.  Until the night service then a teeny-tiny door had opened.  Enough for me to hear God say "Obedience is the highest form of worship."

"What??????  What are you talking about God?"

And then I remembered that thing I was supposed to do.  It wasn't just something I wanted to do (I did want to do it.), it was something I was told to do.  I hadn't put that much effort in getting it done.  Pride kept me from it, because I was offended.  It was easy to blame it on the other person even though I knew the other person hadn't intentionally offended me.

I'm pretty stubborn.  (Most of you already know that.)

I was miserable and to an unbearable place, because I hadn't done what God told me to do.  I spent a year out of his presence, because of that.  The whole attack and associated lies were so sneakily crafted on the last day of the (formerly) best week of my life, I didn't even realize it.  Huh.

I'm thinking about next year and what is probably going to be the best week of my life.  I'm trying to fathom how that can even be.  Because I did this week what God told me to do (a year ago) and am just now coming off the best week of my life.  A week that exploded on Tuesday with the (formerly) most awesome service ever and ended last night with the most awesome service ever. 

Except, we are having an extra service tonight, because we can't just end it on the awesomeness of last night. Maybe tonight is going to be the best service ever?  Kind of incomprehensible, but stranger things have happened...