The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline. -Proverbs 1:7

Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost you all you have, get understanding.-Proverbs 4:7

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Mid-Summer Analysis

And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. Hebrews 6:15

I love summer.  Because I get to stay home and lounge about all day and do whatever I feel like doing whenever I feel like doing it.  I usually have some agenda for the summer and I've usually got it all planned out with stuff that's going to happen.  This year's plans were mostly stuff for the kids. Stuff that was going to take them out of here.  Because I had this Master's I had put off finishing and I needed to finish it before it expired (this year).

Basically, I didn't plan anything exciting for me.  I was just hoping I would end the summer with a finished Master's and figured I'd be ecstatic about that.  (I figured that's how people generally feel when they finish something.  I don't have enough experience with that to actually know.)

(I've  written out and deleted this post three times this week.  Some things, words are not good enough for.)

Suffice it to say, my summer has not turned out at all like I thought it would turn out.

The way it has turned out, no way could I have planned.

Words are not enough.

If I was going to try and tell you what happened, it could only be descriptions of what I was doing or what was going on...  "Revisiting unbearable...a place I knew, but thought I'd never visit again." "Not being able to get up from that hard bench while I heard the most beautiful music in the world being played at 3 a.m."  "Sleeping at the foot of the altar in the calm of the literal storm after experiencing the most wild contending I have ever seen."  "Not being afraid of a snake, because my irrational fear of snakes was not greater than something I wanted/needed."  "A ton of laying around on concrete."  "Being trippy.  For days." "Fighting someone to the death (or at least to rug burns), for the duct tape on their belly (which was evidently a surprise to at least one on-looker?)."  "Turning my entire world upside down without any real direction other than I was supposed to do that and then subsequently freaking out and then later questioning what it was I was doing and why."  "Finding out why."  "Staying out all night."  "Long talks in the dark."  "Long silences in the dark."  "Being able to see a figurative picture that came with an explanation I would have to quote both the writer of Hebrews and Eminem to explain."  "Likening 18 months to the 25 year span (because those 18 months feel like 25 years) Abraham had to wait for Isaac."  "Pure honesty."  "Letting someone go while continuing to hold onto them so tightly...because that is the plan."

Wondering why God is so good to me.

I finished my Master's (except for the defense).  It was a lot of work.  Turns out, I don't feel ecstatic about it.  I don't feel anything about it.  It's not even a blip on my summer radar in its freshness of completion.  In 10 years, I bet I don't even remember it.  It will be completely grown over with a month's worth of memories I'll never be able to fully tell you about.